Following controversy surrounding Kallie Plagge's 7/10 GameSpot review of Cyberpunk 2077, GameSpot has unveiled that a new adaptive AI scoring and review system is in development to accommodate all types of viewpoints.
"We found that in this modern age our audience has set the bar so high
that it is an impossible standard for any human critic to meet," a
GameSpot representative said. "Had we scored the game higher, players
would have been angry that we misled them into purchasing a
fundamentally broken game at release. Yet going with the lower score
that we did also resulted in our audience being frustrated that our
score didn't match their expectations for the game before they had a
chance to play it for themselves; creating a backlash to the review
regardless."
TER: "So how does this new review system work?"
GameSpot: "Now with our new review system, an AI
algorithm intelligently scans the comments of every GameSpot account and
develops a predictive model of their behavior. Most notably, it
calculates a value that we refer to as the Butthurt Index. If their
Butthurt Index exceeds a certain threshold, the algorithm will take into
account the sensitivities of the reader and adjust review scores
automatically according to their interests. It will even scrub the
review of trigger words like 'inclusive' or 'culture', and alter entire
paragraphs as necessary to match the reader's sensibilities."
TER: "Wow that sounds quite advanced. But how do you solve the problem of popular opinion changing within days of the game's release?"
GameSpot: "That's the beauty of our adaptive algorithm.
It will also dynamically update the score of the game in real-time as
it follows trending opinions online and adjusts the score accordingly;
ensuring that no matter what, GameSpot's score will always agree with
you, even if you completely shifted your perspective before and after
playing the game, or if you changed your mind five minutes ago.
GameSpot's Smart Review system will always be one step ahead of you, so
you can be sure your viewpoint will always be validated and you'll never
have to worry about tripping over your own contradictory opinions;
because we agree with those too... Somehow."
TER: "Don't you think that's kind of pandering and dishonest, and reflects poorly on gaming as an art form?"
GameSpot: "Not at all. This is merely realigning ourselves to the new post-truth era. We can disagree with that criticism without providing an argument, and just keep saying this was our score all along, thus becoming indistinguishable from the truth."
TER: "..."
[DISCLAIMER: The Error Report is a fictional publication produced for fun and not a real news source... or is it?]
Genshin Impact is a fun little game that I've been spending a great deal of time with these past few days. It's full of charming visuals and characters, with some great art direction that merges Breath of the Wild with traditional anime aesthetics in a way that makes it really stand out. On top of this, it has a flashy combat system that rewards frequently swapping through characters in your party to chain together devastating combos, which feel quite satisfying when you manage to pull them off. Even more astonishingly, it's all offered for free in a package that feels like it could have gotten away with a $60 price tag.
There's a lot to like about this game, but nonetheless I can't help but feel underneath all its charm and value, it belies a bad omen on the horizon. This is a single player game that ostensibly should have no reason to be tied to an always online connection if it weren't for the arbitrary gacha elements and F2P mechanics sprinkled in. For that reason alone, I don't want to see more games like it in the future. At least, not with this monetization model, but do keep the waifus and the charming BOTW visuals. :3
"Gacha" for those who are unfamiliar, is a microtransaction model that essentially functions like loot boxes. You spend a certain amount of currency, and in exchange you get to "pull" the proverbial in-game lever, which doles out randomized loot in the form of items, characters or other prizes.
No doubt being one of the first of its kind; a single player story-driven game with AAA production values running on a free-to-play model; I'm sure other publishers are watching it closely and already salivating at the prospects of copying it. Within its first couple of weeks since launch, it's already been reported that the game has garnered over 17 million downloads, and analysts have been projecting that it's on track to gross more than $100 million by the end of its first month. The issue here is not that the game is merely making a lot of money of course, but rather how it is making that money which is the problem. On the surface, there's nothing wrong with a great game being rewarded with financial returns; it's the implications and precedents it sets which are cause for concern.
While my time with the game so far has been mercifully generous and the
gacha elements have been relatively unobtrusive, there is an undeniable
reality that they impact the gameplay in various subtle ways. For
instance, in a more traditional single player game, characters would be
introduced naturally throughout the story and join your party when the
narrative calls for it. But in Genshin Impact, acquiring
characters is a central allure of its gacha mechanics. Most of its
characters outside of the initial four that you pick up are locked
behind gacha pulls, and are only accessible when you manage to get
lucky.
This makes their implementation into the story somewhat clunky, as some
characters you'll unlock long before they become relevant in the story;
awkwardly remaining silent along the journey without any proper
introduction, dialogue, or character development, while others you'll be
introduced to and interacting with quite a bit but are unplayable
regardless because you didn't pull the right slot machine yet. It's a
curious design that only exists in the way that it does to serve the
gacha pipeline.
Imagine if Mass Effect 2's character recruitment revolved around this same mechanic. If you unlocked Garrus Vakarian before doing his intended introductory mission, it would ruin the surprise and big reveal of Garrus' return from the first game. Now of course, you could argue that Genshin Impact's story is written to accommodate its own gameplay system, so such problems like this would never arise, but that's precisely the issue. You inherently limit the kind of storytelling you can do in order to accommodate for gacha.
How do you handle a dramatic character death in service of the story? What about if the characters need to be separated for a period of time due to some calamitous event? The fact of the matter is, I already know that none of these characters I've been unlocking are in any real danger relative to this story; no matter how much they try and play up the impending doom of Stormterror or the vengeful wrath of some god. You're never going to have that jaw-dropping Aeris death scene because if somebody poured a lot of money into unlocking that character, they damn well better expect to be able to play them whenever they want.
Further, most traditional single player games tend to only use a single unified currency to drive the item economy, making it easy to judge the value of items and prices because you only have to compare them all against one thing. But once again in Genshin Impact, seemingly every conceivable item is tied to a different currency, which can sometimes be exchanged with multiple other different kinds of currencies if you don't have enough of the one you need, and it all quickly becomes a sprawling and confusing mess to follow; no doubt I'm sure to bamboozle customers into just paying real money to get things without thinking too hard about whether they got value for their buck.
Even the combat system I suspect has been affected in some way by this model; not just in terms of stats and progression, but also down to things like the lack of a lock-on targeting system in the controls. Breath of the Wild allows you to target and focus on the enemies that you want, but Genshin attempts to intelligently guess which enemy you're trying to swing at without really giving you the option, and while it is fairly smart at guessing correctly the majority of the time, when enough enemies crowd the screen at once, it can get a little lost, and I feel the only reason it works like this is to simplify the controls so that it would be more accessible on mobile platforms instead of allowing it to be uncompromised as a console and PC exclusive.
Look, I just want to have a rich story and deep gameplay mechanics to go
along with my anime tiddies ladies and gentlemen. I don't think I'm
asking for too much. Because truly I do play these games for the plot as
well. The beeg plot. Bouncy plot. T H I C C plo--wait what was I
talking about again?
But most importantly, my biggest issue is that I don't want to see a
future where a bunch of perfectly fine single player games are still
tied to a ticking time bomb that, even if the gacha implementation is
reasonable, the servers will eventually get shut down when the profits
dry up, making them all eventually lost to history. I would much rather
just pay my $60 up front and be done with it. So with all this in mind, I
haven't given this game a dime of my money so far, and I don't intend
to in the foreseeable future, as I don't want to support this kind of
model, and I encourage others looking into this game to do the same. If
miHoYo were to offer an offline $60 alternative, I would gladly open my
wallet, but that is unlikely to happen any time in the near future.
Unfortunately, with the amount of money Genshin Impact has
likely already generated, my efforts are probably moot at this point
anyway. The AAA publishing scene is one of constant escalation and
pushing boundaries; because it's never enough to just be a sustainable
business model. You always have to be making more money than the year
before, even if such demands are inevitably unrealistic. I can only hope
and pray that when the likes of EA and Activision get wind of this, we
won't be seeing Star Wars Impact: Pull the lever for a 0.05%
chance to unlock Darth Vader. While for the time being the convenience
of a relatively AAA experience for the price of free is quite enticing, I
would gladly trade it away for the long-term benefit of the medium.
Hello, it's your ole pal Siets again, Chief Arbiter of Good Taste.
Recently I've been revisiting Hyrule Warriors, the spinoff Zelda game for Switch. I never previously thought of the Zelda franchise as a particularly notable source for waifus, but Hyrule Warriors
proved to be a treasure trove of them; thanks in part to Koei Tecmo's
own impressive contributions to the harem. Whoever was the character
designer for this game truly deserves a medal, but I digress. Let us
continue our scientific endeavors to sequentially rank random things.
- F Tier -
Medli
What's up with that duck nose? I didn't authorize this as part of my
genetically engineered monster girl experiments. My research is strictly
ethical, and we're not trying to create duck girls. I'm shutting this
lab down.
- D Tier -
Toon Zelda
Only pro Smash players would pick her as Best Girl.
Tetra
Can she even drink rum? What kind of pirate can't drink rum? I mean, I guess Tetra is
a pirate and she spends a great deal of time roaming international
waters, so I dunno what all the laws are on that and maybe she doesn't
care anywa--you know what? I'm not going down this rabbit hole. D tier.
Sheik
WHO COULD THIS BE???? I dunno, but she's going into D tier.
- C Tier -
Ghirahim
Not technically a waifu, but hot damn with a pose like that, the ladies could sure take a few pointers from him.
Agitha
Agitha's weird obsession with bug collecting is both cute and kinda creepy so I dunno how to feel about it. C tier I guess.
- B Tier -
Midna
Midna's got a S tier personality, but trapped in a D tier form. Sorry
folks but the imp butt is overrated. However she still averages out to B
tier.
Zelda
Hyrule Warriors seems to take its inspiration
most heavily from Ocarina of Time, and while that's a perfectly good
foundation to work off of, the princess herself was probably one of its
weaker points to take a cue from. She's just kinda boring and stoic,
though she is still a bit of a QT at the end of the day so uwu I'm
bumping her up to B tier.
Fi
Everybody always hates on Fi but she's like Data from Star Trek
except female. Data always was beloved, so why does Fi get the cold
shoulder? Y'all are just trying to impose your gender roles onto Fi, and
you're mad because she's smarter than you. Girls can be meticulously
logical and analytical if they feel like it, you sexist bad person. I
dig all the fancy and formal speech in a weirdly-cute robot girl voice.
She can over-explain shit as much as she wants to me.
- A Tier -
Marin
Marin is wholesomeness-incarnate, and she can summon a giant whale to obliterate armies while wielding a big-ass bell as a weapon. Apparently. I don't understand Zelda logic OK but she's big cute and is probably the type of old-fashioned farm girl that enjoys cooking and cleaning for you too, so it's easy to see why she is a fan favorite to many.
Lana
Without Lana there wouldn't be her superior counterpart in Cia, though she is still an adorable little sorceress in her own right. Selfless and charming; she also likes to bounce her butt around like Rottytops so that might have something to do with my totally unbiased ranking here.
Impa
May not be as uwu as the other waifus on the block but god damn is
she a badass. Earns her A tier status on sheer badassery alone. She's
definitely gonna be on top and handcuffing you so you can't escape.
- S Tier -
Cia
I have a thing for waifus with big ambitions; who will bend the world to their will in order to get what they want. The world is frequently a cruel and unforgiving place, and it takes a lot of balls when reality goes against you to still deny it to its face and insist on changing it anyway. And look, Link could have saved Hyrule a lot of trouble and misery if he just obliged her. It's a pretty reasonable ask. She just wants some hylian dick, and with a bust like that, why resist? Link gets cockblocked in every game anyway, so let him have some respite this time. They deserve each other. Zelda doesn't even need to know. I'm sure Cia can just cast some kind of spell to make her OK with it anyway, right? That way she can even join in on the party if she wants to. Everybody wins in the harem ending. I'm just trying to find a nonviolent solution here.
Twili Midna
Now Midna's got the form to match her S tier personality. Midna's a rather unique tsundere in that instead of being embarrassed of her feelings, she's quite good at hiding them most of the time while still getting away with expressing them. She does this by putting on this flirtatious attitude with Link, but in a sort of sarcastic belittling demeanor, yet she's really just fooling herself because she actually does just like him. It's the layered tsundere psychology that makes her truly special. Also monster girl so S tier all around.
Ruto
Much like Cia, Ruto's just a fish that wants to boink you, and that's
a fish I can respect. Right down to business. As one of the few monster
girls among this roster, it's no surprise that she instantly earns her S
tier status. The only waifu on this list that can get away with being
totally naked, while carefully implying the nip with those fin-covered
bosoms. Severely underrated TBH. Needs more lewds of her. But then again
when you're lewd all the time, maybe that makes up for it?
- Best Girl -
Tingle
HAAAAAAAAAAAA no.
- Actual Best Girl -
Linkle
What can I say? She's got a heart of gold and even puts Marin's
wholesomeness to shame. What she lacks in monster girl attributes she
makes up for in sheer spirit. Bursting with enthusiasm and
determination, Linkle is a precious gem and every day that goes by where
Nintendo hasn't declared her canon is further proof we live in the
worst timeline. FIX IT NINTENDO. NOW. REEEEEEEEEE.
As always, my findings are thoroughly peer-reviewed and scientific, so don't be a science-denier kthx. ^_^
I wish this title was hyperbole. After the resounding success of the Marvel Cinematic Universe and coming out of The Force Awakens with such high hopes for the franchise, I never could have imagined that by the time I got to the end of the Disney Star Wars trilogy, I'd be so disgusted with it that it actually gave me newfound appreciation for the prequels, but here we are folks. Rise of Skywalker is a cinematic dumpster fire; a train wreck of monumental proportions. It's a film that leaves a stench so pungent in its aftermath that its lingering fumes retroactively ruin the rest of the trilogy and force me to retcon it from my head-canon.
I had my issues with the previous film, and while its execution was problematic in many ways, I still think up until that point it was salvageable; even enjoyable to watch for a good chunk of it. But after seeing this, I don't think I've ever walked out of the cinema so frustrated and angry at a singular movie in my entire life. Star Wars is a franchise I grew up with and has been hugely influential to me throughout my life. To see it reduced to something so insulting and fundamentally broken that it makes any further sequels difficult to even take seriously, it just enrages me to my core.
I find myself relating to the rest of the Star Wars fanbase now, yet simultaneously alienated from it, as on the one hand I now feel the rage that they felt toward Episode VIII, but at the same time, there is apparently a sizeable portion of audiences that actually see this film as "fixing" the problems of The Last Jedi, which is a position I simply cannot comprehend. This is a film that fails on almost every level; attempting to fix a bunch of non-problems of The Last Jedi while creating dozens of new problems of its own.
It's hard to even know where to start because there were so many things crammed into this film and so much of it didn't work; there's no clear entry point to begin. So instead, let's skip talking specifics first and just talk about Rise of Skywalker's broader structural issue.
One reason The Martian was one of the greatest sci-fi films of the last decade was because of the sense of tension it created with its main character, Mark Watney. You find yourself wondering how the hell Mark's going to get off Mars and return home given his precarious situation, as his team unknowingly left him behind on the red planet, he doesn't have nearly enough supplies to survive for long, and help won't be on the way for years to come. That's assuming he can even make contact to let anyone know that he's still alive and stranded there in the first place. As far as his crew knows, he's already dead. There are layers on top of layers in obstacles Mark has to contend with, but the reason all of these narrative elements come together to create such an effective sense of tension is because the story strictly adheres to a set of rules; those rules in this case being the laws of physics.
The Martian is a meticulously realistic and grounded film, but it's not even the realism that makes it good. More important than that is that it sticks to its own established rules from beginning to end so that the suspension of disbelief is never broken. Mark never just acquires super powers from radioactive exposure and flies back to earth unharmed; he doesn't suddenly receive a fully-fueled and operational rocket without explanation despite that it was never previously established that such equipment was just lying around. The fact that the film so relentlessly adheres to its own established rules is what allows for Mark's situation to naturally build a sense of tension and to feel the consequences of any misstep, because you know Mark is not going to get an easy out when things go wrong.
Now Star Wars may not be as strictly concerned about scientific accuracy as The Martian is, but it still has its own code that it abides by. Much of the excitement of Return of the Jedi's iconic throne room scene comes from knowing that Luke Skywalker may be a Jedi Master now, but even he doesn't have the strength to defeat the emperor and Darth Vader on his own. Whatever happens during this fight, there's no extra life or sudden power-up that's going to bail him out. There are of course other dynamics going on in this scene that lend to its suspense, like the inner struggle of Darth Vader and whether he has truly given up on the light side--and by extension his own son--but at the core holding it all together, there are grounded stakes set by the rules of the Star Wars universe, which naturally lead into an interesting situation here. Luke can't fight this battle alone, so the only real chance he has to survive in this scene is to convince his father to side with him because he can't just win with crazy cool force powers.
You can feel the desperation and anger in Luke when he lashes out at Vader after being threatened to have his sister turned to the dark side. You see him flung to the floor defenseless and in pain when the emperor electrocutes him. He has real weakness and vulnerability, and by showing it on full display during this scene, it effectively establishes the stakes. The power imbalance between Luke and the emperor is clearly defined and consistent. Luke is powerful but nonetheless still very limited in his capability, and it is through this struggle against uneven odds that we are able to get invested in the story.
Contrast this with The Rise of Skywalker, which seemingly decides to ignore its own rules at every turn. The emperor died in Return of the Jedi? Nah, he's back. Don't ask us how he's back. He just is. Chewbacca dies? Nah, just kidding. C3PO's memory is wiped? Nah, just kidding. Force ghosts can wield lightsabers now? Why doesn't Luke just appear in front of Palpatine and stab him with a lightsaber then? What's he gonna do? Kill Luke's ghost? Is that even possible? Where did the manpower and resources come from to build such a massive fleet of star destroyers? Attack of the Clones spent the entire film building up the mystery behind the clone army and where it came from; fully explaining how it ends up in the Republic's hands. In Episode IX though, there's just a huge fleet. It's just there. But where the hell did it come from?! You can't have that big of a game-changer just show up in the final film and expect the audience to accept it without any explanation. If light speed skipping is so dangerous and skillful to pull off, then why is an entire squad of TIE fighters able to follow Poe's jumps right along with him? Why does the emperor ask Kylo to kill Rey if he actually wants her brought back to him alive?
WHY DID THEY--*Ahem*
The film opens with Kylo Ren on the hunt for Palpatine after it is revealed right in the opening title crawl that the emperor is still alive. I suppose given that all the promotional material for Episode IX pretty much spoiled this plot point already, it's not the worst offense, but it still makes for an incredibly anti-climactic reveal considering how significant this character is to Star Wars lore. Nonetheless, there remains a mystery to solve surrounding the emperor's return, so surely they were saving that in the cards for a big reveal to build up to, right? Nope. In the ultimate cop out, Disney just regurgitates a vague line from the prequel trilogy about how the dark side of the force is a pathway to many abilities some would consider to be unnatural, and that is quite literally the full extent of their explanation for the emperor's return.
How do you have such an integral character with decades of influence in pop culture just nonchalantly show up again with such a casual dismissal of well-established lore? He was clearly seen tossed down a long pit followed by an explosion, and then shortly afterward the entire death star itself was destroyed; presumably with the emperor's mangled corpse still on it. And given that it's been nearly half a century without anything in Star Wars canon implying that the emperor survived after this moment, surely it would warrant at least some buildup or big revelation to properly justify his disappearance for so long. But apparently not. There was more justification and effort put into Luke's jaded characterization in The Last Jedi than there was for Palpatine's return in this film.
Mind you, this revelation is also quickly info-dumped alongside other revelations that should be considered shocking but aren't, like the fact that Snoke was just some kind of mass-produced creation from Palpatine, and that it was really his voice inside Ben's head all along, but all of this is so quickly dispensed with in throwaway dialogue with no buildup that it lands completely flat. With so little attention given to it, it's practically pointless now to even bother with Snoke. Who cares where he comes from now?
These lines felt like rushed attempts to give Palpatine greater agency and significance in the new trilogy's overall plot. It's obvious that none of this was actually planned all that well and they just shoehorned him in at the last minute because they no longer had Snoke to fill his role. Considering how botched Palpatine's introduction is, this results in not only damaging the new trilogy's narrative, but even the original trilogy to a certain extent, as it devalues the struggle and sacrifices made by Luke and Anakin in the final battle of Endor. They never truly defeated the empire or Palpatine; only caused him to go into hiding for a while.
Things get really messy when we start examining the MacGuffin plot too. A huge chunk of this movie centers around the characters chasing not one, not two, but three MacGuffins. Now generally when it comes to writing, MacGuffins aren't necessarily a bad thing. They can be a useful tool to get your characters to go on an adventure when they otherwise don't have a good reason to. But a MacGuffin by itself is usually arbitrary, and the real purpose of employing one is to get your characters thrown into more interesting situations along the way. In other words, it's about the journey, not the destination. Yet in Rise of Skywalker, not one of these MacGuffins ever actually leads to an interesting character interaction or worthwhile payoff in the story. It quite literally is just an arbitrary goal to fill the screen time. None of the characters learn anything or grow from the experience.
For instance, the hunt for the ancient Sith dagger caused Rey to get swept up in a confrontation with Kylo that ultimately led her to accidentally destroying a transport ship with Chewie allegedly onboard. This could have been an interesting plot point that causes Rey to doubt herself and reflect on her Jedi training. Maybe Luke was right and it was a mistake to train her; maybe she doesn't have as much control over the force as she thought; maybe she is a danger to her friends and it would be best to part ways or abandon her Jedi teachings. I don't know, just some kind of self-reflection or contemplation on her actions could have added some dramatic weight to the film. But instead, we find out just minutes later that Chewie is still alive, and none of it really matters anyway. Rey is unshaken and the show goes on.
The writers are so lacking in originality that even the next MacGuffin recycles the same trick. Now that they have the dagger, the ancient Sith language inscribed on it needs to be deciphered by a protocol droid, but C3PO is unwilling to do it as part of his programming, so they have to find a hacker on planet Kijimi who will force C3PO to translate it. The real bombshell comes in when we learn that in order to reprogram C3PO to read it, his memory will have to be wiped, effectively "killing" C3PO as we know him. Putting aside how convoluted and pointless this whole plot setup is, this all leads up to what should have been an emotional self-sacrifice scene where C3PO says good bye to all his friends, except since 3PO was barely in the previous two films and has had virtually no meaningful interactions up until this point, the scene largely falls flat, and the cherry on top of it all is of course that he doesn't even lose his memory anyway, because R2D2 ends up restoring it; once again pulling another fake out with a character's death.
So what do we get out of the secret information extracted from the Sith dagger? Another god damn MacGuffin! Why do we even need so many MacGuffins? So far we are now at least a third of the way through the film, and absolutely nothing of substance or consequence has happened as a result of chasing all these MacGuffins. What has Rey learned? How has Finn grown? What has Poe done? So much time wasted, and still all the film has to offer is more MacGuffins.
Now we're off to the moon of Endor, where apparently by standing in some totally random spot and holding up the dagger in just the right way, it reveals the location of the "wayfinder", our latest plot gimmick and final MacGuffin. At this point, there are multiple layers of absurdity at play here, even putting aside how unlikely it is to stumble into exactly the right spot for the Sith dagger to reveal its secrets. Like, why would the Sith build a device that is just supposed to point to another device that points to the actual location of significance? Are they afraid the wayfinder would somehow get misplaced so they need a proverbial "Find my iPhone" feature to locate it? But even if that were the case, why make our "Find my Wayfinder" tool something as primitive as a dagger where the relevant information stored on it is static so it can't be updated? What if the wayfinder moves locations? Then the Sith dagger is suddenly worth jack shit. They could have just slapped the information on an encrypted Sith holocron where it could be stored digitally on a commonly-manufactured device and updated if needed.
After all, it's not like it makes sense to leave the wayfinder in some abandoned and unguarded death star wreckage if it's supposedly so important in maintaining the secrecy of the Sith homeworld, which now that I mention it, raises another question about this whole plot setup. In order to inscribe the coordinates of the wayfinder onto the dagger, that means this dagger had to be manufactured after the death star had already crashed on the moon of Endor, so the Sith already knew that this wayfinder was sitting unguarded in the wreckage when they were making this dagger. Why wouldn't you retrieve it first and place it in a more secure vault that hasn't been destroyed already before you go and start crafting a special dagger specifically for pointing out the coordinates to the wayfinder?
In fact, why isn't the wayfinder itself also just a Sith holocron? It's just star map data, but apparently it's such super special star map data that it needs to be given its own special name. Guys, this is like the real-world equivalent of calling your GPS a "roadmapper" even though functionally it works identically to any other GPS and there's no real reason to give it such a specific name; you're just calling it that to make it feel more special than it actually is. We already have a name for GPS. It's called GPS. And we already have a portable storage medium for digital information. It's called a flash drive. Likewise for the Star Wars universe, we already have star maps and holocrons, so why invent this new device with such a limited purpose and functionality? It's NONSENSE. All of this nonsense.
The real point here is that more than likely Chris Terrio, the hack writer behind this film, doesn't even know what a holocron is because he's not actually very knowledgeable about Star Wars lore, and probably doesn't care either, which is why he should have never been allowed anywhere near this film in the first place.
Like so many other things in this film, Rey's revelation of her Palpatine lineage similarly falls flat and laughably retcons a key plot point from The Last Jedi. Instead of just accepting Rey's "nobody" heritage and moving on like they should have, Chris and JJ bend over backwards for the fans to insist that Rey has some important bloodline.
Here's the thing about big twists like this though: the reason why Vader's reveal was so effective in Empire Strikes Back was because of how it impacted the emotional dynamics of the characters. Luke thought he was pretty much fighting the embodiment of pure evil up until this point. How could he possibly have any relation to such a horrible person? He was forced to reevaluate his entire worldview and had a mental meltdown where he was screaming that this had to be impossible. It was a massive turning point for the trilogy and made the relationship between Vader and Luke so much more interesting going forward because it became about Luke trying to redeem his father instead of just trying to strike him down because he's an evil bad person.
For Episode IX on the other hand, how does this revelation impact Rey's character? Does she suddenly have a change of heart about Palpatine? Does she think he can now be redeemed? Does she have any kind of introspection about her place in the universe? No. Her conclusion is still the same as it was before this discovery. Ole Palpy is still an evil bad person and evil bad people must be defeated.
The constant need for this trilogy to make it a big plot point out of what everyone's lineage is has become such a recursive cliche that it's bordering on parody of itself now. It's not enough to reveal that Ben is the son of Han Solo, but we also have to subvert the cliche by making it a big deal that Rey is related to nobody, but oh just kidding! We're gonna subvert the subversion because she's actually related to the emperor after all! It's just so redundant at this point that it's absurd. So-and-so important person always has to be related to some other
important person instead of just being important and interesting on
their own merits.
And in the end what does the story gain from this narrative jump-roping? Nothing. Rey's goals are still the same, now with just an added plot hole that her parents were actually really nice caring people even though Ben already stated previously that they were junk traders that sold her for drinking money.
Don't get me started on the final confrontation with Palpatine. Not only does he initially order Kylo to kill Rey even though he doesn't actually want her killed, but when he does have Rey brought to him, he orders Rey to strike him down. This supposedly would allow his soul to possess Rey's body as part of some Sith ritual. Seems straightforward enough, except Rey initially refuses, and then over the course of a bunch of explosions and fighting thereafter, the film seems to forget this whole plot point and Rey ends up killing Palpatine anyway. But it doesn't result in her being possessed! She just wins! And mind you, all the stuff that happens in between this is just as nonsensical! Like when Palpatine suddenly acquires force lightning so powerful that he can wipe out large swaths of the resistance fleet with it. He also makes some blurb about possessing all the power of the sith within him, and likewise Rey retorts that she has all the power of the Jedi within her, even though at no point in the plot was it ever established that these two were somehow storing thousands of force users' strength within them. It was an ocean of deus ex machinas; completely deflating any sense of tension whatsoever since the characters' power levels and motivations could change on a whim at any given moment.
I point all this out because they aren't just nitpicks. Consistency
matters. Again, it's not just about the arbitrary fact that force ghosts
can't interact with the physical world, or Palpatine can't shoot
lightning that wipes out entire fleets. It needs to feel consistent so
that the viewer can feel properly grounded in a believable universe,
where consequences feel real because you know and understand that when
something goes wrong, the rules aren't suddenly going to change out of
convenience to undo it. Now the Star Wars universe is so
incomprehensible and the rules are so completely broken that it's just
hard to even take seriously or get invested in anymore. As long as any
sequel makes references back to the events of this trilogy, I will be
forced to somehow try and reconcile it with my own version of Star Wars
canon, which makes this infinitely infuriating because it's impossible
to do. None of it makes any sense, and even if it did; even if someone
could explain away every plot hole in this film, we would still be left
with a wholly underwhelming plot written at the caliber of a video game
side quest where there is no meaningful or interesting character
interactions whatsoever. Just fetch the thingy so you can go find the
other thingy so you can kill the big bad final boss. That's literally
the fucking story here.
I haven't even gotten into how Rey's healing ability is ill-defined and introduced out of left field, or that Lando's cameo is just wasted fanservice because he barely has any screentime and doesn't add any emotional weight to the film, or that the Knights of Ren still aren't really given a backstory and just kind of show up at random times to have cool fight scenes, or that new characters like Zorii Bliss and Jannah are also introduced with almost no screentime or relevance in the plot and could have been easily written out without any impact to the story. I could talk about how Kylo Ren just shows up out of nowhere in the death star wreckage to fight Rey even though we never saw or heard his ship approach. In fact, it feels like there are numerous missing establishing shots needed to properly set up scenes. No scene in this film ever lingers long enough to build an atmosphere or to allow the audience to fully appreciate the moment.
Also fucking space horses. Seriously, this film is a mess. There is so much wrong with it that I have to summarize half of these issues in one sentence apiece just so I can move on.
The worst thing the prequels did was ruin the mythos of Vader by making me only see Anakin's angsty teenage face behind the mask, but for all their issues with wooden acting,
lackluster cartoon-level dialogue, boring plotting, excessive green
screen sets, and so on, there is at least a
certain coherence and consistency to them. After watching them all I can
feel like I saw a complete vision that expanded the lore and fleshed
out the universe, so even if I didn't like them, they didn't fundamentally break the lore in a way that I can't make sense of in my head. The Star Wars galaxy still felt like a believable place. But Episode IX had so much broken logic and insulting writing that suspension of disbelief was just totally gone for me.
I honestly don't know how this franchise can recover from the damage caused by this film short of retconning the entire sequel trilogy. Further sequels would either have to be careful not to acknowledge any events from this period of history, or just avoided altogether in favor of focusing on more prequel content like the Old Republic era; none of which I think are propositions that Disney is willing to commit to indefinitely. So Star Wars is just fucked. And it's all thanks to this movie. That's why it's easily the worst Star Wars film, and I'd rather watch the prequels. Any prequel. Whatever it takes to wipe the smell of this cinematic wet fart from my memory.
I didn't say it! Miyazaki did! Don't shoot the messenger.
It is ironic sometimes how life experience can end up drastically altering your perspective. Growing up, FF7 was a special game to me. It was full of memorable moments and characters that will stick with me for the rest of my life. When I first got wind of a possible FF7 remake with the reveal of the Playstation 3 tech demo, I was pretty ecstatic at the prospect of how epic it could be. Being able to go back and experience that world once more in glorious HD and take in every moment again with exquisite detail seems like it would be a dream come true. At least, it seems that way as I envisioned it in my head.
Time marched on however, and Square quickly quashed any rumors of an impending remake. The industry grew and changed; big AAA companies consolidated and homogenized. Taking risks in reviving old dead genres or trailblazing new ones were increasingly unattractive prospects to companies like Square. Trends need to be chased. Gameplay has to be "market-tested" with focus groups. We apparently even have to have an "ethics department" oversee things to make sure nobody is too offended by the material. What was once an industry I thought was driven purely by passion and fun as a kid had transformed into something else. And so, when it seemed as if all hope was lost and the long-rumored FF7 Remake had reached mythical Half-Life 3 status, suddenly at E3 2015 we were given the big announcement.
And once again, I was clamoring to my computer screen; frantically punching the letters into the YouTube search bar to find the trailer. It was like I was a kid all over again. And for a brief moment, I was excited again. The FF7 Remake is back in business, and now with even more advances in technology since then, they can go even further! The trailers certainly looked nice. Midgar never looked sharper. So why the ominous blog title?
Mostly for click-bait Well, it turns out I really do have some major conflicting feelings about this remake, so if you came to watch an old weeaboomer self-destruct over a video game, you won't be disappointed. Or maybe you will be and that's exactly why you clicked. Because you secretly enjoy watching the train crash, don't you? Sicko.
My first red flag went up as soon as I heard the characters actually speak. It only occurred to me after this that I never really thought out all the details that would be involved in producing a remake. See, as many may know, the original FF7 was an entirely text-based story. This caused many aspects to be left up to the imagination, and you could fill in your own blanks about what characters were supposed to sound like or how they should deliver a certain line of dialogue. Barret's dialogue in particular had its own special charm to it due to the fact that his more "colorful" language was hilariously censored with randomized symbols. In some ways it fundamentally creates a different atmosphere from voiced dialogue; it makes the game feel more like an interactive book rather than an interactive movie, which has its own unique appeals.
This realization unfortunately cascaded into many other uncomfortable
thoughts for me. There was so much room for error in how Square could
screw things up. Unnecessary changes to character designs,
personalities, plot points, and so on that completely miss or
undermine certain aspects of the original game. There is a lot that could go wrong.
Still, I've never been a big purist when it comes to source material, but even I have my sacred cows, and when it comes to messing with a masterpiece, you better come with good reasons any time you're going to make big changes to it. Nonetheless, switching to voiced dialogue is something I could manage to stomach; provided that it was done well. The problem was of course that it didn't sound right, which is why it immediately stuck out to me and flooded my mind with this rapid-fire chain of negative thoughts. These casting choices felt stiff and generic; serviceable for an average video game perhaps, but FF7 isn't your average game.
As I see it, there are three key ingredients to FF7, which are crucial in order to capture the essence of the original. Paramount among them is its soundtrack, which creates such a distinctive mood and atmosphere throughout the game that permeates every emotion you feel along the way. Second is its story, which is not merely about your generic band of quirky anime heroes, but characters that actually carry deep scars with relatable themes at a much more personal level. It has some dramatic, hard-hitting emotional moments, but also boasts a surprising amount of humor along the way, despite the often dire stakes involved. And lastly is its flashy customizable combat system, which shows off impressive spectacles with its summons and limit break attacks. Based on these initial trailers, it seemed like Square was only getting bits and pieces of these three elements kind of right, and even that came with big caveats.
So given that this isn't just your typical throwaway video game story that only exists to set up arbitrary goals in the gameplay, getting quality voice acting is important if you want those dramatic moments to land. After seeing these early trailers though, I was not reassured. Luckily, now that there has been more material released in the months leading up to launch, I've felt more relieved. I'm not sure if it's just something about the way the trailers were cut together and edited, but seeing the dialogue in full context with proper timing in the actual demo of the game, the characters sounded a lot better, and in fact I'm happy to report that Barret sounds almost exactly as I would have imagined him to.
But that's only a glimpse at the beginning of the game, and there are still more problems of concern. The fully re-orchestrated soundtrack faithfully recreates many of the game's iconic themes to a degree, but I feel it comes at a high cost. On one level, it can often sound more cinematic and feel more like there is an epic scope to the story, but FF7 was a game that juggled both big and small moments, and the constantly sweeping orchestra can kind of miss out on capturing that range. Not only that, but the reuse of the same orchestral instruments for every track has resulted in a more homogenized, less diverse soundtrack, and the use of strings and horns to cover the bulk of melodies makes many of the tracks sound too soft or clean compared to the original; lacking the grit and impact. Consequently, this causes them to feel a little flat and less memorable, despite otherwise being serviceable in their own right.
Just take this comparison of the "Mako Reactor" theme for example.
Here is the original:
And here is the remake:
There's just so much more of a sense of grunge and dirtiness to the original; you can feel the industrial vibes of navigating a mako reactor. The remake on the other hand may faithfully recapture the sense of ominousness, but misses out on these other characteristics that make each track feel distinct. These might sound like nitpicks to someone who's never played the original, but FF7's soundtrack is such an incredibly iconic and important element; the atmosphere that it creates adds so much to the impact of every scene in the game. On some level, it may be impossible to fully do it justice simply by its nature and how the synthesized timbres are a product of their time. Still, I think the re-orchestration could have gone a long way to bridge that gap by making more of an effort to rely on at least some synthesized sounds rather than almost exclusively working with a live orchestra. As a result, newcomers playing this version of Final Fantasy VII really are missing out on some unforgettable tunes, even if the melodies are often the same in certain respects.
And then there's the character redesigns. Now look, I'm not going to #BoobGate over Tifa or anything. Frankly, her bust size was always in flux anyway, as the cutscenes featured ginormous watermelons while her battle tits were more believably big and her chibi knockers were just average, so her canon coconut capacity was always up for interpretation. And now that I've run out of synonyms for boobies, my main objection is that the new additions just feel over-designed, so they end up taking away from the simplicity and iconicness of her original look. I don't think it is an unreasonable ask to simply not fix what isn't broken about a classic character design. And given that a much more faithful modernization of Tifa was already done for Dissidia NT in the same year that FF7R was announced, I don't understand why they couldn't just stick with that. Same deal with Barret's sunglasses. It's dark and smoggy in Midgar; what are you shielding your eyes from? These are silly, unnecessary additions.
Aeris too would have an unrecognizable face if it weren't for the fact that her outfit was at least mercifully left alone. Her original concept art and in-game models actually had more of a mature look to them, which created an interesting juxtaposition with her playful personality. It helped add to the sense that she was actually wise beyond her years and could look after herself. She had been evading the Turks on her own for quite some time before Cloud came along after all, and she is canonically supposed to be older than Tifa by a couple years, yet she looks younger now. But who cares. We gotta dial up the waifu for the new kids.
Well I care. Imagine if for 20 years you've known Mario to look a certain way and all of the sudden some smug dude approaches you and says, "Nuh-uh, this is the new canon," and he proceeds to show a picture of Mario in his classic plumber outfit, but now there's some extra belts and straps strung here and there, his big white gloves have been shrunk, he's wearing a pair of sunglasses for no reason, and fuck it, he shaved his mustache and decided to grow a beard too. Sure he's still got the red and blue color scheme with the classic Mario cap, but now it's a cluttered clusterfuck and it's just not the Mario I know and love. And oh by the way, his name was a mistranslation; it was actually "Marioth" all along. You will now address him as such.
Mmmk. Fine. It's just a video game anyway. I guess. It is what it--NO. NOOOOOOO!
We've made too many compromises already; too many retreats. They invade our space, and we fall back; assimilate entire worlds, and fall back. Not again. The line must be drawn HERE.
OK, I'm just taking a Star Trek quote out of context now. Anyway, point is, these are the problems you run into when you decide to dig up a beloved 20-year-old game and tinker with it like you're George Lucas.
But alright, I can even learn to deal with the unnecessary tinkering of the character designs. Honestly, they're not as drastically overdone as our friend Marioth, even if still a downgrade. So long as all the important story beats are still intact, that's what really counts, right?
Hooo boy.
[WARNING: Minor spoilers for the beginning of FF7 and its remake ahead.]
But unfortunately the tinkering couldn't stop there. It's just minutes after the opening bombing mission when Nomura already couldn't resist splooging Sephiroth fanservice all over the screen. And it couldn't just be once or twice, or even isolated to brand new sequences that don't interrupt the original story beats.
In one of the worst offenses, Nomura takes what should have been a short, simple, and cute moment shared between Cloud and Aeris as they meet for the first time, and instead dials up the animu to 11 with Sephiroth hallucinations sending Cloud into a mental breakdown while some random Harry Potter dementors are swirling around Aeris all at the same time. Like, what the fuck is even happening? This is just supposed to be a cute little scene where Cloud is some passerby that bumps into Aeris and she hands him a flower for 1 gil. It was a nice moment precisely because of how mundane the exchange was. It was sort of a chance meeting between two people that had no idea later on they would meet again and become entwined in a much grander journey together. Sure, FF7 was always a crazy fantasy story full of animu bullshit, but I also think part of what made it stand out and keep the characters relatable was because it could have these smaller grounded moments too. By cluttering this scene up with so much incomprehensible bloat, it's actually taking away from it.
And then there's other scenes that have been oddly truncated, like when Cloud escapes Shinra by jumping on top of a train that also happens to be the same train the rest of Avalanche escaped on. In the remake, the conversation that Barret has with the rest of the team is very brief and uneventful before Cloud comes bursting in to let them know that he made it out alive, but in the original this was actually a longer sequence where everyone was really worried that Cloud might not have escaped. Barret was trying his hardest to act like he didn't care, but you could tell he was really getting torn up inside because he was constantly slamming the box next to him and having a very short temper with everyone that he normally only reserves for Cloud. It was a funny passive-aggressive way of showing that Barret really did care for Cloud despite all the animosity between them, but this whole sequence is lost in the remake, and for no discernible reason.
They even cut the part where Cloud and Jessie were the last to hop off the railcar and she wipes the smudge off of Cloud's face. I thought this remake was supposed to be all about selling Jessie hard as the new waifu on the block; I don't get it.
And this is only the tip of the iceberg concerning the story. There are numerous other changes that are problematic for different reasons, like how Reno's introduction just comes off as another generic cackling bad guy to defeat, whereas the Turks originally were more professional and subdued, yet goofy with a deadpan sense of humor. The comedic delivery of Reno stepping over the flowers in the church is totally lost on the remake.
Finally, we get to the combat. As I've said before, I'm not a purist. I don't expect this to be an exact 1:1 remake. Although I do view the original game in very high regard, there was still plenty of room for improvement and expansion. I like the idea of adding more individual abilities that are unique to each character, as classic FF7 almost entirely relied on materia customization to let you choose how to differentiate them. This is a welcome addition in the remake. But is it too much to ask that we not change entire genres from turn-based to action RPG? You want to jack it up with more fancy spectacle and effects; add new abilities; retool the materia system a bit? I'm down for all that. I just ask that you only preserve the spirit and feel of the original
game, because now it's becoming something entirely different, and it's
completely unnecessary. WithPokémon Sword and Shield now having sold upwards of 16 million copies since launch, their appeal certainly hasn't suffered from sticking to a traditional turn-based combat system. Why is it so hard for Final Fantasy to do the same?
This drastic change in combat system also has the effect of removing one of the most iconic jingles from the game: the victory fanfare music. Since it's all done in real-time now, there aren't separate transitions between the overworld and combat sequences to allow for this. Now again, I get it, on the one hand it's a small thing. But it's still nonetheless an integral part of FF7. You hear it throughout the entire game. Imagine once more that Nintendo was doing a Super Mario 64 remake, but they removed the fanfare and Mario shouting "Here we goooo!" every time he acquires a star. Yeah, it's a small thing, but it's god damn sacrilege to do that!
I do believe most of these issues were avoidable. Barring how difficult it is to re-orchestrate FF7's legendary soundtrack, we could have otherwise had a remake that ticks all boxes for everyone. It could have offered something new while still
preserving the old. Storylines could have been expanded
upon, new combat abilities and upgrades could have been added while
still retaining a turn-based system, and everything could have been
wrapped up nicely in a glossy new package afforded by the
Playstation 4's hardware; all the while keeping the original story beats
intact. I still believe the idea of fleshing out Midgar further than
the original game is a worthy goal to take on; it is such an interesting
place full of possibilities and potential, and in many cases the remake
succeeds at this. It just didn't need to take all these other needless risks that would inevitably be polarizing. In the end, I
can't help but feel like it was a missed opportunity in that regard.
Hopefully by now I've illustrated that my criticisms are not just about how the remake doesn't follow its source material as faithfully as it could, but also that many of the things it changes don't actually enhance the game; they take away from it. I don't care if you want to add more stuff to Final Fantasy VII. Just make sure that when you do, it isn't for the worse.
Now at this point you might be asking, but Siets, the original game still exists! Why not just stick to that then? Well that's the big elephant in the room, isn't it? But it's not that simple. See, the original FF7 is now over 20 years old. It's never been given a proper remaster to update it for modern audiences before, which means for many newcomers to this game, the remake will likely be their first and only experience with Final Fantasy VII because the original just looks too dated for their standards. In other words, it feels like this game is to some degree rewriting an important piece of gaming history. It is erasing a classic from existence, as more people are drawn to the remake while ignoring the original. News, discussions, merchandise, and fan art are now all about these new revisionist history takes on the characters; not the ones that I remember. I can't just ignore it.
To reiterate myself on another post I did regarding this years ago, I guess
what irks me so much about this remake is that now the
game will be introduced to a new generation of players, and much like
3DS updates to games like
Ocarina of Time and Majora's Mask before it, this remake could have served as an opportunity to preserve and update a classic, which in turn
could
motivate modern players to perhaps explore some more classics that they
might have missed out on. But now that there are such dramatic changes, new audiences aren't really getting a taste of gaming history.
My greatest concern ironically is that this new game might actually
turn out
great, but not a masterpiece. Because then the majority of players will
flock to it and sacrifice quality gameplay and story in favor of a shiny facelift
because it's merely "good enough", while the original iconic game is
left in the dust, and newer generations
will wonder why FF7 is viewed as such a classic.
Yet even I must admit that some of the original visuals are hard to put up with nowadays. While I do happen to think the game still holds up in most regards, it was nonetheless the first Final Fantasy game to be designed for a 3D platform, and it shows. I can certainly understand why it would be such a hard ask to just tell some people to go download one of the many available ports and play it as-is. Thankfully, we have one saving grace in all this. The PC version has been around for a long time, and not only can it probably run on any old potato computer produced in the last 10 years, but thanks to extensive work done by the modding community, it's more or less received its own unofficial remaster by means of fan updates. And with even just some modest cleanups to the game's pre-rendered backgrounds and character models, its stylized presentation can still be highly charming after all these years.
Modded FF7 with new field models and upscaled backgrounds.
Unfortunately once again, to achieve these kinds of results is prohibitively challenging, as FF7's modding tools are notoriously unwieldy to work with. In the coming months I hope to put out a guide to help streamline the installation process for those interested, as this is in my view the ideal way to experience the game, but in the meantime, this is frustratingly the current disposition of the franchise, and it's rather disappointing to me that Square couldn't put out their own official remaster before attempting something like this, as I would be much more receptive to changes knowing that new audiences still have other accessible options to turn to for the original experience.
Redesigned combat models styled after the original concept art.
To be clear, none of what I'm saying means that I think FF7 Remake is a
bad game. From everything that I've seen of it so far, there has been a lot to like. I dig just about everything they've done to expand on Jessie and the Avalanche crew. The game unquestionably looks gorgeous. The combat system does look fun even in spite of it not being what I wanted. I will more than likely be picking it up for myself when it becomes available on PC or if I manage to snag a PS5, and I'll be doing my best to tolerate all of Nomura's revisionist animu nonsense so I can just enjoy all the other stuff that is actually pretty cool about it.
The main point that I want to hammer home if anything is that
this is not a proper recreation or substitute for the original game, and absolutely should NOT be treated as such. If you at all end up enjoying this remake, you owe it to yourself to go back and experience the classic. Don't prove Miyazaki's prophecy true. The original game's legacy deserves to be preserved.
